Feel Like You're Not Doing Enough?

Please read this imperfect post.

This is an unplanned post. Other than spelling and coherence, I’m not going to edit it much . . . as a former high school Language Arts teacher and publications adviser, I’m not sure you appreciate how difficult that is for me.

But I’m growing. Or at least I’m trying to.

I am an “aspiring imperfectionist.” I’m not sure if this is a term others are using, but I have a shirt planned. I’ve been thinking about it for about three years because, um, I am aspiring and not accomplished.

I am concerned about our mental health.

Despite the jokes, I feel compelled to share something important today. Remember that career as an English teacher I mentioned? It ended about three years ago – three weeks and one week ago, to be exact. (Old habits die hard. There’s that perfectionist again. I was curious and had to look it up.)

On March 10, 2022, I left my workplace of 19 years in the back of an ambulance. Long story short, I had a major panic attack that they first thought might be a heart attack. I was 42 years old.

We decided I should go on a leave of absence, but while I was off, my doctor wanted me to attend an intensive outpatient group therapy program to learn more about anxiety, coping strategies, and stress management.

I wasn’t too thrilled about it, as I was sure all I needed was some rest and time to breathe and recover. I was concerned my situation would seem so inconsequential to the troubles of others and that no one would understand. I was wrong on both accounts.

Lesson One: You are not alone.

I don’t remember if it was the first or second day when I realized that probably around half of the other patients in my group were essentially all there for the same reason I was and even had a profile similar to mine. We were highly sensitive, successful women who had pushed ourselves too hard for too long. A large number were in caregiving careers: there were educators, nurses, and even a pastor.

We all thought we were alone; that others had it so much more together than we did; or that our problems were so small compared to others’ struggles. We thought we should be able to just “keep on keepin’ on.”

And we all had bodies, minds, or both that finally forced us to stop, whether we wanted to or not.

Lesson Two: Radical Acceptance isn’t the same as not caring.

Radical acceptance is basically coming to terms with what is. It doesn’t mean you love it, but it does require recognizing it is reality, and one that is out of your control.

There are a variety of times in life when radical acceptance can be helpful in trying to decrease prolonged pain. I am going to explain this in terms of our current national situation in a moment, but I do want to share this article that will explain this approach in much more depth if you want to learn more later: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-radical-acceptance-5120614 .

Lesson Three: Dialectical thinking is empowering.

Dialectical thinking says two opposing ideas can be true at once.

It’s a simple statement, but it can be pretty revolutionary in a society that can often try to present itself as black or white, this or that, right or wrong.

Traditional thinking would go something like this:

“I am not able to do all of the things I know a good teacher does, so I am not a good teacher.”

“I am doing my best, but it still isn’t enough.”

Dialectical thinking would look like this:

“I am very behind on grading AND I am still a good teacher.”

“I am doing my best AND I want to do better.”

Lesson Four: “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

It’s likely you’ve heard this quote before. However, I feel like it is always shared in a positive sense, as in we shouldn’t look at another person’s achievements and feel we are inferior.

What I want to suggest is this: Just because you feel your situation isn’t as “bad” or severe as another’s, doesn’t mean your feelings or struggle don’t matter.

When I was little, there seemed to be a refrain at dinnertime across America when a child bulked at their dinner plate and someone responded: “You know, there are starving kids in Africa.”

I get it. We should recognize what we have and be thankful for it. And dinner is not quite the level of what I want to bring to mind here, but I think this mostly well-meaning but guilt-invoking statement has been carried to the extreme in our psyche.

It might look something like this: “Our family is going through a really rough time right now, but at least we’re not facing . . . (insert comparison here).”

And here’s where it all comes together. (Sorry it took this long.)

In November, again in January, and then pretty much every day since then, a large number of Americans — and to be sure, others around the world as well (Canadians, Ukrainians, and Palestinians come most immediately to mind) — have been having a difficult time, to put it mildly.

I’ve gone through a variety of feelings and responses since November. I tried not to think about it at all until the new year, but from time to time, I did allow myself to imagine some miracle would occur, stopping the inevitable.

Starting January 20th, my family stopped watching the evening national and international news.

Then at some point, I started reading the news on my phone. I began learning more about what others were doing in response to the changes: the adjustments they made in their lives, the places they boycotted, the street corners on which they marched with signs.

I felt trapped, like I couldn’t do anything, especially in comparison to others who were doing so much.

And in the past three days, three different times I have encountered friends and strangers who have shown they are facing the same sadness, self-doubt, and frustration.

Lesson one, you are not alone.

Each day it becomes more impossible for me to ignore, deny, or hope there’s been some huge mistake or scandal yet to be discovered.

It’s time for lesson two, radical acceptance: Elon Musk is president. ( Sorry, had to get a joke in there to lighten the mood.)

Radical acceptance: “Trump is president and I can’t change that.”

I accept that this is reality. I don’t have to like it. That’s radical acceptance. I can feel sad, angry, disappointed, frustrated, all the things.

But I can’t get stuck in those feelings.

And now that I’ve radically accepted this truth, I am prepared to control what I can: me, my actions, and for the most part, my money.

This is awesome!

But then, more reality sets in: I could spend my entire life from morning to midnight protesting, boycotting, and researching every company where I spend every dollar of my money.

My guess is, though, I’d still feel like it wasn’t enough. I could skip sleeping, eating, spending time with loved ones, and enjoying my favorite things and do even more, and again it still wouldn’t be “enough.” (Full transparency? I’ve gone down that company research rabbit hole for multiple hours and I haven’t even scratched the surface. It could absorb your whole life all on its own.)

It’s time to remember that third lesson, dialectical thinking.

My actions aren’t perfect AND I’m doing something to make a difference how I can.

But there’s one more hurdle, and it’s a big one: “I can’t do as much as that person.”

It is very easy to feel defeated at this point.

“I’m not doing as much as that person” can easily spiral into “How can they manage to do all of these things and I can’t even do one successfully?” And then I’m back to “I am not doing enough.”

Resist it.

Lesson Five: Be kind to yourself.

I was in counseling before my group therapy experience, and I continue to go to sessions today.

This last tip is from my therapist.

Talk to yourself like you talk to your child.

Would I ever tell my son his efforts weren’t worthwhile because he wasn’t perfect?

No.

Would I expect him to spend his every waking hour and change his entire life to fight a cause, even a worthy and wonderful one?

Hell. No.

So why do we do this to ourselves?

All people are imperfect. Life is better when I don’t try to do it perfectly.

And do you want to know why? It’s because I’m doing something. I’m reaching for better. If I make one change, I’m contributing and staying true to myself. If I make that one and still have time, energy, and balance in my life, then maybe I’ll add another.

So here’s what I’m going to try to say to myself:

“Trump is president. I accept that but I don’t like it. I’m going to control what I can and do the best that I can while also protecting my mind, body, soul, and family. It won’t be perfect and it will still be good.”

And I might even be proud of my imperfect self.

Thank you so much for reading. And please remember you are not alone.

Amanda